8.10.06

Epilog












Vodopad ima bradu kao grof L.N.Tolstoj.

To se

u stvari

Jutro po sebi peni i ra
zapinje dugu.
Ja sam priznao jednoj ženi

Da je život nešto prosto u meni,

- a nije baš tako prosto.

Ja sam mislio da ću ići pravo

dok se ne pretvorim u lenjir,

a našli su me u krugu.

Našli su me posle lutanja
srozanog od vriska do šaputanja.
Prošao je oktobar.
Među nogama drveća polako zaudara na vlagu
i krv.
Ulica poslednji put kisne na sirovom suncu.

Sedite malo kraj mene kao kraj groba.
Minut pošte za moje preminulo najrumenije doba.
Sedite malo kraj mene
Vidite: opet sam dobar.
Iza uha mi se okoreo mlaz usirenog poraza
kao streljanom vojnom beguncu.

Proletele su ogromne zlatne kočije
kroz naše utrnule oči,
- a mi ih sačuvali nismo.
Nešto mlado nam je rzalo na usni i uvelo
Gorko od smeha i slatko do plača.
Dozvolite mi da posle svega
dalekoj nekoj gosdpođici napišem jedno pismo,
onako malo nostalgično
kao što pišu senilni penzionisani admirali
preživeloj posadi sa potopljenog razarača.

Gospođice,
kazaću,
gospođice,
sve je,
sve je,
sve je gotovo.
Ovde cveće pokojno
prodaju razliveno u parfemske flaše.
I sve je,
sve je,
sve je spokojno
kao da vetar nikad nije šamarao drvored
i po oknu se pleo.

Gospođice,
kazaću,
u ovu jesen,
frigidnu kao turistkinja sa skandinavskim pasošem,
to što sam odjednom sed ne znači da sam beo.

Ti si jedina nahranila svu moju glad
sa ono malo mesa i sna.
Jedina si bila sita od ono malo mojih noktiju
i dlanova.
Voleo bih da tvoji budući sinovi naslede boju moga glasa
i kćeri nose moju tugu u prslučićima od svile.
Voelo bih da sačuvaš moje najdivnije vrhove
na horizontalama tvog dna
i proneseš moje oči kroz tišinu tuđih očiju
i stanova,
i moj oktobar kroz sve tuđe aprile.

Ovo nije ispovest.
Ovo je gore nego molitva.

Hiljadu puta od jutros kao nekad te volim.
Hiljadu puta od jutros ponovo ti se vraćam.
Hiljadu puta ponovo se plašim
za tebe izgubljenu u vrtlogu geografskih karata,
za tebe podeljenu kao plakat ko zna kakvim ljudima.

Da li sam još uvek ona mera po kojoj znaš ko te boli
i koliko su pred tobom svi drugi bili goli,
ona mera po kojoj znaš ko te otima
i ko te plaća?
Da li sam još uvek među svim tvojim životima
onaj komadić najplavijeg oblaka u grudima
i najkrvavijeg saća?

Ovde kod mene
dani imaju ukus piva i dosade.
Ponekad kaplju kiše
čudno,
spokojno.
Nemam volje ni da živim ni da se ubijem.
Sasvim sam nalik na lađu koja luta bez posade
i ne želi da zbriše
sa svoga oka nešto uzaludno,
nešto pokojno,
nešto golubije.

Možda je dobro da znaš:
posle tebe žene nemaju pravo ništa da uobražavaju.
Nekad prvi žutokljunac republike,
danas - mogu da podignem zarozane čarape
lično bogorodici
u dostojanstvo prerušen.

Sve moje nežnosti još uvek na tvom pragu spavaju
kao mali žuti psi
na mokrim,
nabreklim,
crnim sisama gospođe keruše.
Sasvim sam zakopčan od sluzokože do duše.
Ova 32 zuba još uvek ljubav samo za tebe onako jecaju
i onako pevuše.

Ti me svakako razumeš:
sve je,
sve je
sve je gotovo.
Uplašeno sam pijan
i prazan
i sam.
Ponekad neko naiđe da me zabrinuto voli i pazi,
neko kome otkrivam sve tvoje putokaze
do mog usijanog temena.
Nikome nemoj reći
ali ja,
koji najmanje znam o sreći,
hteo bih malo nespretne sreće tom nekom novom da dam
i dok umire drveće i vetar po lišću gazi
hteo bih da mu bude dobro u ime izvesnog aorista moje ljubavi
i davnoprošlog vremena.

Možda nećeš verovati:
i sa hotelima sam raskrstio sasvim neopaženo.
Sve mi hoteli nekako liče na istu bajku
i postelje u sobama smeškaju se na isti glas.
Svi se portiri na isti način brinu
onako malo rođački kad im laku noć kažemo.
Svi se portiri isto onako brinu,
majke mi,
kao da znaju za nas.

Dalje ne bih imao ništa više da ti javim.
Pijana od hladnoće subotnja noć se valja.
Satovi su već odavno povečerje odsvirali.

Dalje zaista ne bih imao ništa više da ti javim
jedino možda to da si ostala najlepša medalja
iz najlepšeg rata u kome su mi srce amputirali.

Gospođice,
ja nisam za tobom bio onako obično,
gimnazijski zanesen.
U meni je sve do tabana minirano.

Inače,
zapamtio sam:
ljubav je najgolubija samo u onim kricima
koji se poklone prvima.
Dozvoli da se zato zbog nečeg u sebi
nasmešim u ovu jesen
pomalo krišom,
kroz suze,
pomalo demodirano,
ja, tvoj najnežniji pastuv među pesnicima,
ja, tvoj najsuroviji pesnik među pastuvima.

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